Mad

I feel like he’s taking advantage of me

I feel like he’s betrayed me

I feel so fucking mad

So why am I sitting here passing time until he comes home and I can see his smile?

Aren’t I getting a bit too old for all this?……..

Truth

When you call a girl fat or ugly, it’s engraved into her mind. Every insult will stay with her forever, reminding her that she’s worthless, disgusting, and unloved. Her mind will be programmed to put herself down, to hate herself and her body. Call her pretty? She’ll remember it for a moment. Call her ugly? She’ll never forget it. Because she’s a slave to the pain that you never even thought about.

this was via isolatedinsanity

don’t know why that didn’t show up :-S

(via g0nowandlive)

Bad things happen because good people do nothing

I love you, like a sister. I know we don’t spend much time together, but you’re always in my heart. If I could wrap you in cotton wool, I would, even though I know I shouldn’t. I see so much of myself in you. In your anger, your pain, your love. And now seeing you, I see that I wasn’t so bad after all. Because nothing that’s like you could really be bad.

And I believe in you. In the truth of what you express. I know you feel like a liar, and maybe you do lie about all kinds of things. But in the things that matter, your truth is startling. It breaks into the night of the loneliness and desperation we all feel in this life.

I’ve done something tonight that you probably won’t like. And I am sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t think of a better way to do it, to involve you more, to let you have the ownership of your own life in a way that you deserve. I did it because I love you, and because it’s what I would do for my own sister. I did because I wish it’s what someone would have done for me - even though I probably wouldn’t have wanted it at the time.

You’re going to feel pain, isolation, fear. You’re going to wonder what’s the point. But just think….

if you could survive this
and one day
you could use your experience
to help
just
one
person
to be a bit less alone in the world

wouldn’t it be worth it?
to survive?

I want to be with you, be with you, night and day

So it’s the New Year.  Last night I marked the Bells with a toast all round the family.  Mum, Dad, Gran, Sis, and Boyfriend.  My boyfriend said he was looking forward to midnight, to sharing a kiss.  And I realised that I don’t think I’ve ever been kissed at the Bells before!  I think I probably have, but it’s clearly not been romantic enough to be memorable… So I felt a bit embarrassed about that, but then it turned out neither had he  :-)  But this time it’s all about the family, since Dad was hit by a car just last week, and I’m so relieved that he’s still he

re that I just want every minute with him I can have.  So Boyfriend and I have booked our Midnight Kiss in for next year!  I hope the magic’s still there between us next year though!  I worry too much…

Today though didn’t quite go to plan.  I had so many grand dreams!  So much I wanted to achieve…  But I slept most of the day, then got dizzy, hit my head on the bathroom floor, came to bed.  I did make my tea myself this morning, which is actually an achievement towards independence!!  And I did some much needed laundry.  But I can’t quite shut off from having grand ideas for tomorrow!  I feel so much hope and excitement at the moment, like my life is finally coming together.  I just have to keep listening to my heart….

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

- Eleanor Roosevelt

So plans for tomorrow:

• Make breakfast by myself
• Pack up my flat
• Have a bath
• Lights off by 3 am
• Hopefully in bed by 2 am

I know this is all rather mundane and practical, but it’s the little brush-strokes that make the work of art.  I want to create a life that is senselessly beautiful.  To do this I must be strong and well.  I’m going to use this blog to check up on my progress!